Tuesday, March 18, 2008

This last month has seen me have a bit of a mid life crisis of sorts. I have never really had a burning ambition in life that many do, I have loved travel, art and knew I always wanted a family but other than that didn't really know what I "wanted to be". With Maddie now at school full time I have had a bit but not much! more time to myself. I have started to ask myself what I want out of life and what I will be remembered for when I am gone. Hmmmmm not much at this point other than a wife and mother. I don't mean to put down these roles as I know they are important and worthy in their own right but I just feel that I need to find me Helen Shields and what I want.

I have been seriously considering going back and taking my teaching degree as I really enjoying the role I have at school of teaching the children sewing, I enjoyed my time in Scotland when I went into the nursery with Jill and taught art once a week. I looked into courses but couldn't decide between the general age ranch of 5-11 year olds which would make me a jack of all trades as such and the specific job of art teacher at secondary level. Because John is not here much during the week and with his iminent move to Staff College in September I would be taking on the role of mother, student, housekeeper, gardener and general dogs body all by myself. My greatest fear was that I would have to put the kids into care morning and night just so I could attend college. Euan has just started to settle down and maybe make a move towards flourishing and I am petrified that he would take a backwards step if the main "rock" as it were was to be moved slightly. The girls I think would adapt better to the change but I don't know how I would, would I become to tired and thus cranky about the general things in my kids lifes, I know it would only be for a year of two until I qualified but then what, would I take full time teaching or a part time and where. Am I looking for issues where there are none? I have saught advise from all sorts of friends and the advise has come back so varied. Some say my children are still so young I should just take a breather and enjoy life with them before it is all gone, others shout at me that I should do something for myself before it is too late. Many say that my talent lies in what I create and I shouldn't give that up, my response unfortunately is that it doesn't pay the bills! I do enjoy sewing and creating but I don't seem able to sit down and perform it like I should with a job. I so desperately want an answer to all of this but just seem to get deeper and deeper into confusion. I can feel tears welling up as I type this which is silly really . The main comfort I take is that I am not alone, through some of the wonderful ladies in blog land I have found out that I am not alone, I think it takes an arty mind to be this confused ;) and so frustrated with my direction. So bare with me as I navigate this current chapter in my life and hopefully you should have some better crafting viewing in the up coming weeks. I have been creating just not photographing and sharing. Hilary my love don't worry I am still plodding on with your request and you will see my labours soon.

Sorry to be so miserable but thank you for reading!

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